Dear Marine Corpse,

How can I become as cool as you guys are? I’ve tried pills, natural remedies, and uncomfortable pumps, but none of these worked. Am I doomed to wander the Earth forever so much less cool than my idols?

Bob in Seattle

Dear Bob,

Becoming as awesome as we are requires several things, the first of which is a large goiter. Once you’ve successfully elminated iodine from your diet, you can proceed to stage two, which consists of shaving your eyebrows and collecting the hairs for stage three – gluing them to your anus. Once you have done these things you will have completed the entrance requirements for GrosPenor’s School for People Who Are Fucking Awesome, at which time, and only at which time, you can truly say you are on the long and grueling path towards coolness. It also helps to have a massive cock.

That is all.

GrosPenor