The Pacific Garbage Patch.

Key this into your favourite search engine and begin sifting.

We’re talking about an expanse of waste on the surface of the Pacific, with an area estimated between the size of Texas and the size of the continental United States. How much more is there below the surface? Who fucking knows?

Certainly not a billion people in China, much too wrapped up in the hardships of daily life. Certainly not the scads of conservative Americans, who think the ocean was provided by God as a dumping ground. Care to venture a guess as to how many other people don’t give a shit?

On top of this, let’s consider the thousands of landfills worldwide; the incinerators; the unchecked piles of shit lying around in lazy peoples’ yards; the trash that pervades the streets of every city to varying extents.

And hey – this is all shit you might have had in your apartment at some point. So let’s include you, and your stuff, and pretty much everything related in any way to human consumerism. In fact, we can even throw in the cities we inhabit. Knock one down and scrape it into a pile; I think you see my point.

At least since the advent of tools, humans have been taking more and more shit from nature to be processed and converted into ‘stuff we want’. Thousands of years ago, that amounted to some bones and sticks on a string. Unfortunately, our tastes got expensive relatively quickly.

Today you own at least one telephone, a shower, a bed, a computer. You buy your kids tons of worthless shit they’ll get bored with; then you’ll throw it away, or give it to someone else who’ll throw it away. What did stone age children get to play with? A stick in the fucking sand. Or maybe they beat the shit out each other for sport. Might I add that sticks are biodegradable? I’m pretty sure Lovely Cynthia’s Eco-Friendly Dollhouse For Pretentious Vegans is a distant runner-up.

Let’s take a step back; I’m not really blaming you. But a lot of fucking people are in denial. A lot of us don’t like to imagine that our perfect, self contained little lives are just a reflection of everything every person is doing wrong.

Stop working so much. You don’t need to make that much money. Your kids don’t need toys, they need you to spend quality time with them. Your wife doesn’t need a vibrator, she needs you to care enough to fuck the shit out of her. You don’t need a new gaming console, you need to stop wasting time on trivial distractions and join a municipal trash-picking crew.

Yeah, maybe that’s a little over the top. Not everything about living on the brink of consumerist Armageddon is bad; I’m sure there are some things we could keep. Maybe we’ll just fix all these problems tomorrow, after a few more rounds of Halo and another case of beer and another bag of weed and another pot of coffee and another condom.

And besides, trash-picking is pointless. And I have a bad back. And I have to work tomorrow, ’cause I’m on salary. The kids need Christmas presents – just this one last year, I swear! Then we’ll join the trees in stark opposition to the rampaging humans.

Fuck us all.

A magnetar is a type of neutron star which has a powerful magnetic field. In fact, these stars are the most powerful magnets known to man.

If you placed a magnetar directly between the Earth and the Moon, it would wipe all of our magnetically stored data. Incidentally, it would be showering our little rock with ridiculous amount of radiation. Also, it would pull the moon into terminal orbit and we would fucking die.

At a distance of one thousand kilometers, the magnetic field would rip your body apart. I don’t think your spacecraft would be doing too well, either. We wouldn’t really need one, of course; thanks to our nifty friend gravity, we would already be drifting to our doom.

If you lined them up side by side, it would take about nine or ten of these stars to get from Edmonton to Calgary. That’s about an hour and a half of driving. Not that there’d be a road; these things are fucking heavy. If, hypothetically, you could have a single drop of a magnetar’s ambiguous constituents, it would weigh more than a house. A lot more.

Isn’t shit just a pile of goddamned fun?

One day, the universe began.

Actually, it wasn’t a day because there was nothing around to impose the concept of progressive time on everything, but that’s almost beside the point. To be fair, though, if humans do all their stupid shit purely by grace of a brain wired to experience the dimension of time in one linear direction (maybe), I could end this post right now and still have made my point.

But no. I’m not letting you little shits off that easy.

Present scientific theory maintains that there was a ‘big bang’. What’s implied, here, is that at the ‘beginning’ of time everything that is currently everywhere was crushed into a singularity.

For the uninitiated, a ‘singularity’ is a one-dimensional space. Aside from nothing at all, it is the smallest thing that can be. If you’re thinking about black holes right now, good job! Your only mental deficiency lies in your weak vocabulary.

That’s okay; I only hate you a little bit more now.

Basically, if all the matter in this universe originated here, and cannot leave this universe – provided others even exist, which hasn’t really been proven to my knowledge – then all of matter’s interaction with other matter is occurring, over time, in the only way it possibly could. Even if the pre-bang universe had randomized qualities, the moment that motherfucker exploded everything was set in stone.

Every neuron that fires in your brain does so because it was meant to happen. Every decision you make, every cheeseburger you eat, every baby you kill – all were dictated by the laws of physics and simple cause and effect.

Just because I’m so good at pretending to know what I’m talking about…

Let’s assume for a moment that there are definitely other universes, and that some or all events in the universe are genuinely random. Whenever a random event occurs, a series of universes representing every possibility must exist. This complicates things, but ultimately nothing is really different. Instead of one linear universe, we have a huge or infinite number of linear universes representing every possible permutation.

Naturally, all these universes are tied into each other. When one atom of toast happened to burn away/not burn away, the cosmos was rent asunder to accommodate both possibilities. In the distant future, perhaps mankind will be able to travel between these universes and harness the amazing power of fucking toast.

But seriously. The point is, even if we aren’t locked into a linear, unchangeable progression of time, there’s no such thing as ‘free will’. We exist by the grace and mercy of cold, uncaring probability. You’d better hope there’s a God. It would probably be asking too much to hope he likes us or gives a shit about us, though.

And don’t come to me with your, “Oh Spatula! What if everyone reads this and you start a cult of peace and happiness by not giving a shit about anything? Wouldn’t that be, like, proof of free will?”

No. Shut up and never even think about this site again. You clearly have some kind of brain disease and should have been aborted. Let your mother know, so she won’t have any more stupid babies.

Then again, don’t. It doesn’t fucking matter.

Oh, and this all means that this website exists because it was destined to. If you have complaints, file them with the big fucking bang and get the fuck out my face, fuckhead.