This is how you make Cheese. First you apply a well-heated soldering iron to a block of wood, then to and then you spray dignous cheddar out of your anus. Before you throw up, take a giant can of whoop-ass and shove it in your mother’s bumhole. I digress. Roaming cree-nerds don’t make up for my venus flytrap of a manhole that wants to eat your sister’s face as she spews shit out of her rectum. fucking. A whole lot of fucking. That’s right, Jesus. And as the prophet foretold, the great ziggurat of shit coming out of my ass will take hold of your souls and punish you forever.

Chapter Two
Harry Discovers His Wee

Somewhere in England, lived a boy named Harry Potter. He lived under a staircase in a house with a couple of shithead lunatics that treated him like crap. He felt angered by their presence, yet they brutally abused and maimed him on a general basis and so he was too chickenshit to rebel against them. One day while Harry was masturbating, he started to piss. Because Harry was (oh yeah, I forgot to tell you) magical and fuck, he was able to refrain from pissing his entire life until now. Yeah, like holy shit, man. And when he started to piss, in that instant he hated himself as he watched the spouting fountain of yellow water bursting forth from his ugly bent cock. It reminded him of the time his mother had shit and pissed all over his face as a child, before a green light came and took her soul or something. He pulled out his wand, pointed it at a pair of scissors, and farted before making the sharp German steel cut off his cock.

For this truly earth-shattering dish, you will need the following ingredients:

seventeen pounds of clarified butter or ghee

eight pounds of flour

about forty bucks worth of ripe gouda

a bunch of parsley

six hen’s teeth

a pound of panda tenderloin

a jackhammer, preferably stolen

Before commencing, I recommend closing all the windows and ensuring that any ventilation that leads outside is blocked. Be sure to check the laundry exhaust ports in particular.

First, melt the butter in a fucking massive pot on high heat. In the meantime, blend up the panda meat and four of the hen’s teeth. Wedge the remaining two behind your canines; if you have difficulty, a drill may be necessary. Now, check the butter. If it hasn’t begun to burn, drop some acid and do the chicken dance for exactly twenty seven minutes. If you are still awake at this stage, move on to Step Delta.

Once the butter is appropriately smokey, dump all of the flour in at once. DO NOT STIR – this is important. Leave the stove on high, and turn all of the other burners to high as well. Put the parsley on your biggest plate; don’t bother unwrapping it. Hollow out the brick of gouda, and stuff it with the blended meat and teeth. Place it on top of the parsley and put it in the oven at 500 F. Place all of your identification in the pot.

Now, leave your house – be sure to firmly shut all the outside doors – and get a pack of smokes and a lighter at the corner store. If the grouchy Pakistani gentleman at the counter won’t sell them to you, steal what you need and get the fuck out of there. Go to a park and smoke all of the cigarettes, no less than three at once. Sleep on a bench until the next morning, then hitch a ride on the first fire truck you hear going by. Conveniently it will stop at the charred remains of your house. Ignore the police tape; it’s just garnish.

Find the remains of the stove, if possible, and collect the parsley and gouda. Do NOT remove the melted steel/aluminum; this adds a vital dimension to the flavour. Hopefully you remembered to place your stash of marijuana in a fire-proof safe – be sure to collect this before the investigation team arrives. You’re going to need it. Dump the sooty contents of the pot over the assembled dish; if you burn your hands, flake the skin over the top.

Make one more round in search of incriminating evidence, then leave. Never return to the scene, and enjoy!

Oh, and if you thought hen’s teeth didn’t exist, they totally do. You have to harvest them from the stillborn babies of genetically modified chicken embryos. They may be, like, super hard to find. This recipe can be pulled off without, but you should add copious volumes of cilantro (about 50 pounds, seriously) and place them directly on the hot stove. Try to keep them close together, even packed in a bundle if preferred, so they will cook evenly.