At the conclusion of part one, our heroes had just crossed through a dimensional portal or something. Following a brief interlude of boring shit, they tumble into a room with a large crater in the center; taking no time to examine their surroundings, they follow the distant sound of Daisy’s voice as she’s dragged off by Iggy and Spike. Eventually, they emerge onto a catwalk:

All that shit hanging off the railing is 'The Fungus', which appears to be large clumps of yellow elastic and gluey hair.

There’s something incredibly run-down about this whole parallel dimension; everything is in disrepair, and pockets of chaos explode unheeded amidst teeming crowds as the corrupt police force carries out the whims of a dictator without any particular regard for what might normally be considered criminal activity. Mario and Luigi are shooed off for loitering by one such enforcer, and quickly pick out Daisy as she’s dragged into a car on the streets below.

Eventually, we cut to a scene featuring Koopa, now plainclothes, as he bitches about how shitty this dimension is and coats his hands in some kind of disinfectant shit. His mistress, Lena, makes little noises of agreement while completely ignoring him; she eats several chocolates or something like that. Koopa prattles on about how he’s going to merge the dimensions and take over the human world to escape his own crappy one.

He walks down some stairs, continuing his rant, and his mistress follows. Around this time, we discover that he needs Daisy’s shard for his grand undertaking.

"When you get your rock," said Lena, huskily, as Koopa stared blankly and thought about how many germs her breath was transmitting to his body. Her attempts to fondle his crotch went unnoticed.

Koopa then decides it would be an ideal time to insist that he also needs the princess. If you haven’t worked out who that is by now, permit me to remind you that you’re a little dense and it will come to you eventually.

Or not. I don’t care. Anyway.

At Koopa’s mention of the princess, Lena does this weird head-shake-in-fast-motion thing, accompanied by what I can only assume was intended to be a lizardy noise. She also consistently keeps her eyes wide open and mouth slightly agape, presumably to make the fact that these people are the evolutionary descendants of dinosaurs seem more plausible. Somehow. The only useful information I derived from this little exchange is that she’s not very fucking happy about this princess bitch. I bet you had derived the same basic concept from the first half of this paragraph, but you read it to the end anyway – didn’t you?

Then Iggy and Spike show up; they argue about who was more instrumental in capturing the princess, only to find out that they’ve forgotten about the rock. The tell Koopa that the Mario brothers have it, and the dictator issues a city-wide ‘Plumber Alert’. As we cut back to the city, the PA guy makes some snide remarks about Koopa’s bowel movements while informing the citizenry of the bounty.

In the meantime, Mario and Luigi wander aimlessly through the city. They stumble across a vendor selling this:

I don't get it. Iggy and Spike are shown throwing their hot-dog buns away while they're in Brooklyn; perhaps these are some sort of meat-based bun, but I honestly doubt it. It's a lot more likely that the squabbling directors just made a clusterfuck of a movie, with glaring inconsistencies for no reason.

Almost immediately afterward, the brothers encounter a kindly old woman, who gently informs them that this is a bad part of town; she inquires as to whether they have any weapons. When they reply that they do not, she proceeds to electrocute Mario with a cattle prod and steals the rock. Then, she gets thrown into the streets below by an enormously fat black woman in a spiky red outfit. She takes the rock, and flies away on some magical rocket boots or some shit.

Initially, the Mario brothers manage to keep up with her; however, she quickly escapes and we get an incredible shot of her cleavage.

Frustrated, the brothers end up at a cafe. Toad, played by Mojo Nixon, tells them to cheer the fuck up and proceeds to strum out a little tune that goes something like this:

Ain’t got no water anywhere

The food is bad so’s the air

Got no resources

In a great big stupor

All because of the evil King Koopa

… played to some shitty Bob-Dylan-wannabe chord progression.

"I'm Mojo Nixon and I have a stupid haircut!" he shouted wetly at the officer.

As he finishes his set, a police car rolls up. The officer claims that Toad is being arrested for singing anti-Koopa songs, and the Mario brothers protest. This proves to be a mistake, as the officer notices their tool belts and brilliantly puts two and two together: Plumbers! The lot of them get shoved into the car.

Now we move to Daisy being escorted by a pair of tall, scaly gentlemen. Overcoming her futile protests, they shove her into what looks like a barracks; here, she encounters the lost Brooklyn girls, including Mario’s beau Daniella. They all hug and act girly and shit.

Cut back to the brothers and Toad, recklessly careening about the city in a police car. They arrive at the police station, coming to an abrupt stop thanks to a pair of huge elastic bands, and get shuffled through the processing facilities.

After a brief chat with the chief of police, they are put through ‘the fungus unit’; Toad helpfully informs them that “the fungus is choking the city”. Then it’s mugshot time, with cameras that resemble enormous rifles.

Ever had one of those "Oh Fuck!" moments?

They find themselves in a small square cell, identical to thousands of others stacked a dozen tall in a massive warehouse. Directly above, Toad composes yet another incredible opus:

How how, how

Sittin’ here in cramped detention

With brothers from another dimension

Thinkin’ ’bout my ss..ah…mmh

Having run out of ideas, he inquires as to whether the Marios know any other words that rhyme with ‘dimension’. Mario suggests ‘tension’, and subtly tells Toad to shove it up his ass. Luigi ruins the moment by asking what Toad means by ‘dimension’.

Toad elaborates by telling the story about how a meteor struck a long-ass time ago and somehow magically split the universe into two parallel dimensions. He immediately segues into some crackpot conspiracy theory bullshit about how the fungus is really the old King, in a de-evolved form.

Presently, the chief comes looking for the brothers; he takes them to a meeting with a familiar fellow who introduces himself as ‘Larry Lazard’ of ‘Lazard, Lazard, Conda, Dactyl and Cohen’. We, at this point, instantly know that this man is actually Koopa. Mario brashly inquires about ‘that Koopa clown’, demanding to speak with him. Koopa tells them that Koopa’s a real prick, and demands the shard.

Luigi fucks it all up and makes it plainly obvious that the brothers know about the rock; Koopa gets totally pissed, and tries to gouge his eyes out. The chief of police steps in to spray disinfectant on the dictator’s hands, helpfully informing the plumbers that “Nobody touches President Koopa!”. Luigi, being a bit of a dullard, is all like “But u sed dat Koopa wuz a ass wuts goang awn???”. Koopa shrugs and points out that he is actually a huge prick.

Koopa instructs the chief to take them to the ‘devo chamber’, which is a lot less cool than it sounds.

We pan up and watch as Koopa strolls into the aforementioned chamber. Toad begins yelling about what a shitty president Koopa is, which naturally gets him all pissed. He orders someone named Simon to de-evolve the dissident musician immediately; Simon turns a knob, and has a bit of a giggle as a hilarious voice announces the new setting.

"I love my fucking job." thought Simon as he flipped an uncircuited switch back and forth repeatedly to appear busy.

Toad, sitting in a large chair dressed in a ridiculously oversized maroon trenchcoat, gets rolled back and raised into an ominous looking machine. Then we get to watch him ‘transform’, which as far as I can tell is just a shittily photoshopped GIF of Mojo Nixon’s face.

He looks oddly pleased about this course of events.

To the audience’s horror, he comes out of the machine having been transformed into one of these dimwitted individuals:

LAWL HARMONIKA TIME

We soon discover that this is the filmmakers’ concept of a Goomba. To be honest, I felt  it was a highly appropriate tribute. Apparently, a huge number of criminals and failed underlings are transformed similarly to create an army of moronically loyal soldiers.

Koopa embarks upon a rambling lecture about ‘evolution’. He proves that his understanding of the concept is relatively tenuous, and powerfully biased towards his own genetic lineage; as ridiculous and light-hearted as this film is, the undertones of racism provide and interesting dimension to the character of both Koopa and the world he manages.

His ability to maintain a standing army independent of the general population gives Koopa’s loyal cadre the clout to completely bypass the democratic process; the people are unable to fight back against a powerful and mindless military under the command of a self-centered, xenophobic dictator. However, it appears that Koopa has little interest in the affairs of citizens. His police force essentially enforces him whimsy, taking care of abduction and extortion while maintaining order in the street. Society in general appears to be self-managed, troubled only occasionally by the immediate needs of the president.

All of these factors appear to have given Koopa sense of immunity from external influences; this illusion is quickly broken as the Mario brothers beat the shit out of his guards and push him into the chair, setting him up for some hardcore de-evolution action. For no apparent reason, Koopa doesn’t stay in the machine long enough to turn into a Goomba; his eyes, however, briefly turn into slits before reverting. Apparently that’s the first thing that happens when you magically de-evolve shit that came from dinosaurs.

In the meantime, Mario and Luigi make a mad dash for it. Luigi comments on the pervasive fungus.

Are those fuzzy discs on toothpicks?

The fungus, in turn, spontaneously lowers a tiny, windup bob-omb. Mario is hesitant to take it, and ultimately the two run off without. Then they go on a sweet ride along the ceiling of the prison complex, narrowly avoiding fireballs projected by various Goombas.

The brothers find themselves in a parking garage; they proceed to steal a police car, which Luigi somehow manages to start mainly because he ‘sits on his butt playing video games’. Given that the letters on the car computer’s keypad did not appear to be in any alphabet familiar to me, that seems like a dubious notion.

The two roar out of the garage, pursued by two other police cars. Eventually, they hitch a ride on top of a civilian vehicle. A car randomly flies across the road and lands in a pile of burning rubble for no reason. Two cop cars explode each other, producing one of the most expensive pyrotechnic displays I’ve ever seen in such a crappy movie.

"Like, whoah dude." said Luigi as he lit up a spliff.

The brothers have a brief argument about which route to take, and ultimately opt for a tunnel to the Koopahari desert.

This proves to be a huge mistake.

Apparently, dinosaurs are not especially good at spelling either.

The Marios are conveniently informed that they are leaving the power grid, and the car dies. Unfortunately, the tunnel has a fair slope to it and they just keep rolling. Apparently, the car also has no brakes. Are our heroes totally fucked?

As they explode out of the tunnel a good hundred feet in the air, it would seem the answer is yes.

Then this shit happens, just like you’d expect in a cheesy movie like SMB.

I wonder if they gutted the car for this part. They probably wouldn't have to, as I'm sure a crane and some cable would do the trick. On the other hand, they obviously wrecked a fair number of cars to make this film.

Mario seems pretty disgusted to be in physical contact with the fungus as he crawls out of the car; Luigi, ever aggravating, reminds Mario that the fungus just ‘saved’ them. Leave it to Luigi to make sweeping assumptions based on empathy and intuition, I suppose.

For no apparent reason, Luigi opts to poke his head through the fungus at a point where going around it would have been a much more useful option. I am including a picture so that you may relate to my boiling rage.

"Durr!"

That’s the climax of this edition, my orgasmic oblates. Next time, be ready for an authentic hardcore sex scene, seven cherry blossoms, a sprinkle of rainbow sparkles and ten gallons of flaming ethanol beside a tanker truck of full gasoline.

I’ve been led to believe this is something of a cult film. I have no idea, it doesn’t really matter to me. In any case, this movie is substantially more popular and renown than Robo-Chick or Cyber-C.H.I.C or… whatever. You know – people I mention it to occasionally have the slightest clue what I’m talking about.

Before I even get into this film, I want to make something clear: I fucking love the Mario games, in a deeply homoerotic way. However, I am not an insane person, and I never really expected to see an ‘accurate’ film adaptation of a series where you walk, run and jump in a straight line over and over again. Aside from fireballs, how the fuck could anyone imagine this as a good concept for a film?

Actually, to be fair, this is probably the kind of stupid thing the lot of us talk about at the monthly barbecue. You know, the one that doesn’t exist, because we live thousands of kilometres apart. Take a moment to thank Christ for imbuing our planet with miles of deteriorating copper cable and little throwaway boxes that emit signal-carrying energy.

To be perfectly candid, I even saw an excellent stage version of the first SMB for the NES. It’s on youtube somewhere.

Somehow, anything can be made entertaining.

Tangents are fun, am I correct?

Too bad.

My point is, this movie has nothing to do with all the shit I mentioned. Aside from some pop-culture inside-joke bullshit, which I’m sure we’re all accustomed to, it’s actually a reasonably engaging movie with likable characters. I probably would have watched it without the video game shit, if I’d ever had the fortune of hearing about it.

So, without further ado, I present to you:

The film begins with a rundown of the antecedent scenario, as a narrator asks us, hypothetically…

What if, when a meteor struck and wiped out the dinosaurs, some of them went through some inexplicable portal and ended up in a parallel dimension? What if, for the sake of the makeup department, they evolved into an intelligent species suspiciously similar to humans? And, Oh Lord, what if they “found a way back?” ambiguously, as though you don’t particularly concern yourself with matters which pertain to caring whether anything makes any god-damned sense.

The film opens with a wonderful animated segment:

"Plants sure are fucking tasty, I tell ya."

Suddenly, these unfortunate bastards are crushed by a meteor and we’re introduced to ‘modern-day’ Brooklyn. In the heavy rain, a cloaked woman places a large, egg-shaped container and a crystal shard at the steps of a convent. The nuns appear to have a minor God-gasm and assume this whole thing was set up by the big guy in the sky. There’s some vomit-inducing attempts to imply religious gravity; given that I am bitterly opposed to the twisted indoctrination of such corrupt cults, that shit did not impress me remotely.

We cut to the woman running through heavy traffic and dropping into the sewers. She runs through the tunnels for a time, and then cautiously surveys the room she stops in before backing into the hands of someone she calls ‘Koopa’, who emerges from the shadows. His style of dress suggests that he is a high-ranking military officer, and he has a keen interest in ‘the rock’. Presumably he’s referring to the crystal shard. Also, he is played by Dennis fucking Hopper.

Meanwhile, the nuns open the container to reveal a huge, ceramic-looking egg. They seem a little awed and totally freaked out by that shit.

"Holy shit, my nuns - this is totally whack!"

Then, it fucking hatches, and out comes a human-looking baby girl. If you got up and returned the video at this point, having missed the general dude’s name and not caring about anything that doesn’t follow Mario ‘canon’ to the letter, you’re probably a little dense.

The tunnel where mystery woman and Koopa are standing begins to crumble, and while it isn’t immediately clear what’s going on, mystery woman becomes sealed off in a room and allegedly dies.

We cut to ‘even-more-modern-day’ Brooklyn, where Luigi, played by John Leguizamo, is sitting on his ass watching a program about people who have been ‘transported to another dimension’. He gets exceptionally excited about this, considering his ignorance of physics. Meanwhile, Bob Hoskins as Mario is wandering about organizing shit.

He then moves to clean off the table, and criticizes Luigi for spending money on tabloid rags; it is here that we learn that women have been going missing in Brooklyn lately. We also learn that the Mario brothers are going broke. Luigi puts his face in one of those toys where the pins get pushed into the shape of whatever you press into them, and comments that they are already broke. Mario then throws a pair of boots into his testicles and tells him it’s time to fix a dishwasher.

"If you ever throw something at my testicles again, I will cut you so fucking bad with that newspaper..."

Luigi is somehow permitted to drive the shop van; he claims that he ‘has a feeling’ about a particular wrong turn, and proceeds to careen through a pile of garbage and into an alleyway by pure instinct. This is an undeniable confirmation of mankind’s amazing cognitive powers. He mentions that sea turtles can travel for thousands of miles on instinct, however he fails to elaborate on any details or connect this piece of information to his previous statement. We will quickly become accustomed to this type of behaviour from Luigi.

Naturally, Mario freaks the fuck out. Then, somehow, they actually get to the restaurant and he calms right down to get to work. So far, Mario appears to be a moderately tidy, hardworking and pragmatic guy. Kind of dull and set in his ways, but usually right anyway – his ways are tested and true.

Don’t get me wrong. This is a goofy movie full of lame throwbacks and a fucking intense soundtrack (including Joe Satriani, Queen, Marky Mark and Megadeth, among an eclectic handful of others), but I felt unexpectedly close to the characters for such a fluffy film. I actually liked Mario and Luigi enough to be glad they would inevitably save the day.

As the brothers finish up with the restaurant business, we get a shot of an excavation site near the river. An incredibly, horrifically over-tanned man with obscenely greasy hair arrives in a limousine, and demands to speak with the person in charge. This man – this awful, terrible man – is Scapelli.

Daisy, a young blond who looks suspiciously like the woman from the beginning of the film, steps forward and claims leadership. Scapelli tells her he wants the dig out of the way, so he can build shit on the location. Because he’s a contractor, and that is his job. Daisy reminds him that the university has sanctioned their presence, and that Scapelli’s interference is unwanted and unlawful.

Scapelli makes some threats along the lines of “a lot of girls have been going missing in Brooklyn”, and then offers up this truly torrid display of mirth.

"Yeah, I look like a ganguro clown because I loved myself at the salon for just a little too long this afternoon. I know you like it, girl."

While we’re showcasing random characters for no reason, I may as well illustrate that Daisy is a real looker. She’s played by Samantha Mathis, who happens to be the same chick who voiced Crysta in FernGully. Based on the capture below, she also knows more than a few things about sucking dicks:

"Blowjob module ready for deployment, Captain!"

God-dammit do I ever want to put that up against a wall.

Anyway,

We cut back to the Mario brothers, who are having some engine troubles. They pull into a space, and Mario lifts the hood, releasing a huge cloud of steam; Luigi does not immediately think to pull the rod to hold the hood up. Perhaps it was just a weird take, but I thought this was a very nuanced representation of Luigi’s distracted personality. I wouldn’t even have expected them to film such a trivial event, so I tend to think this was a conscious decision.

Mario states that he’s going to find some water, tells Luigi to phone their machine and check for messages, which Luigi attempts to do, and then runs off into a cafe. Then, Luigi sees Daisy, and I’m guessing he probably came in his pants at least six or seven times. By extension, we can conclude that he either had had a vasectomy, or was wearing a diaper that day. I do not wish to speculate further.

She huffs a bit and tries to look like she really needs the phone. Luigi, being a bit of a sucker, smiles a lot and offers her the receiver. Then she digs around for change, knowing full well she has none, and waits for Luigi to notice. Naturally, he offers her a quarter, for which she seems genuinely grateful.

Things don’t sound good; the university can’t really do dick, basically because Scapelli is in the fucking mob. This isn’t explicitly stated, but it seems pretty obvious if he can circumvent the law on a whim.

During this period, unknown to our trio of protagonists, a creepy duo has been watching Daisy…

I used to take the hot dog out of the bun and just eat the meat when I was a kid. I usually didn't do it right in front of the vendor, however, as that seemed a touch rude and tactless. Now I realize hot dogs are disgusting, and eat them only occasionally to remind me of a time before income tax, bills and the inevitable end of all life. It makes me cry, every god-damned time.

Iggy and Spike, played by Fisher Stevens and Richard Edson respectively, are pair of bumbling brothers who we later discover are cousins to Koopa. We also find out that they are likely behind the disappearances, and I thought it was pretty cool that the film initially got you thinking it was probably Scapelli. I was totally expecting some kind of corporate conspiracy theory shit.

They prove to be amazingly bad drivers, and generally fuck everything up; they pose no immediate threat, and go unnoticed by our heroes as Mario has a conniption about paying for bottled water, and  Luigi awkwardly tries to ask Daisy out.

Mario suavely lends his experienced wisdom, feeding Luigi his lines right in front of this chick without making it ‘weird’. It’s immediately obvious that Mario, in spite of being a pudgy guy who works a shitty trade, could get anything he wanted from a woman if sufficiently motivated. Even I find that pretty sexy.

And so, dinner plans set, Daisy hitches a ride back to the dig site and the brothers get back to work. We are mercifully spared, and instantly astral-project to dinnertime.

"My thrice-flagellated veal cutlets are truly exquisite!" she proclaimed, drunkenly.

Dinner is obviously an expository scene, but it felt fairly natural and friendly – as though I were the mentally handicapped brother-in-law at the table, or something. We find out that Daisy was orphaned, and that she’s creepily attached to the shard she wears around her neck. Luigi makes an ass of himself and, with much resistance from his motor functions and inferior genes, informs Daisy that he was also orphaned and raised by Mario.

Mario’s little hussy is atrociously ugly. Her dress is totally fucking wicked, but she looks like a horse or a dog or something, and she comes off as a friendly but incredibly ditzy mongoloid. She also talks in that grating Brooklyn accent that sitcoms use liberally to make sure you’re absolutely one-hundred-percent certain that a character is in New York.

As if the intro shots featuring giant buildings and Times Square weren’t enough. Fuck sitcoms.

Luigi manages to politely and eloquently express his desire to walk Daisy home. Mario and his woman give each other that ‘we’re home alone tonight’ look, and leave the two lovebirds to their business. As they walk, they awkwardly try to top each other for weirdness points. Luigi thinks he’s weird for reasons that he fails to express verbally, but confirms sufficiently with his behaviour in general. Daisy, on the other hand, thinks she’s weird for digging up dinosaur bones for fun.

Now let’s take a step back here. Who the fuck would not think digging up bones is fucking sweet? Have you ever seen the fucking skeletons they put together in museums? If you don’t agree with me on this, get the fuck out. Seriously. Leave. I’ll send you instructions on how to ban your own IP from Marine Corpse.

So obviously, Luigi is all like “holy shit dinosaurs are fucking sweet!” Daisy offers to show him the dig site, if you know what I mean.

Actually she means it quite innocuously, though I could never have argued with a hardcore, real-penetration sex scene between these two. However, you may also have found Leguizamo’s body in his shower shortly after its release. Samantha is fucking mine, you greasy cock.

So, uh…

They end up at the dig site. The tunnels and caves happen to look identical to those from the beginning of the film, so if you’re paying attention shit starts to come together. Daisy spews of some shit about ‘monsters trying to be human’ while staring at human-like dinosaur bones as melodramatic music plays in the background and Luigi slowly becomes fully turgid. They’re about to start making out and, presumably, fucking each others’ brains out. Then these assholes show up:

"I fucking told you we shouldn't have brought the company tunics! I own like six balaclavas! You could have worn my wife's windbreaker! Fuck!"

They run out of an adjacent chamber, having just sabotaged the plumbing that happens to run through the dig site. Brilliantly, they implicate their employer in the misdeed – unless this is actually a crafty attempt at corporate sabotage, and only coincidentally involves the dig site. You might think that, in fact… if you were fucking insane. Luigi takes one look at the pipes as Daisy strokes his ego and tells him what a great plumber he is.

Instead of trying to be manly and pretending he ‘just can’t fix it’ so they can get back to their pantsless business, he’s all like, “I don’t know exactly what to do! I have to go get Mario! I’m a little bitch!” Admittedly, this course of action and its long-term consequences probably got him some of the best sex of his life. Unfortunately, he probably got bored with Daisy pretty quickly and moved on to another, more limber fucktoy, leaving the poor girl to be pimped around town by Mario and his slut – between forced threesomes, of course.

Hang on, my dick just exploded through my pants.

Right. So the pair run off to fetch Mario, who dramatically grabs his tool belt and orders Luigi to “get (his) belt on, kid. We’re going in!”. Somehow, even without seeing them, I know this scene exists exclusively so they could drop it into the trailers and make this movie seem badass. They also comment that Scapelli did it, presumably because filmmakers still assume (correctly) that most viewers are too stupid to notice details like that without some hand-holding.

They go all the way back to the dig site, and Mario fixes the pipes by using a variety of tools in a range of completely inappropriate ways. Luigi proves his worth as a plumber’s apprentice, but doesn’t really do jack shit. Daisy stands around being worthless, and as the brothers finish closing off all the valves, Iggy and Spike arrive to club them all in the head.

"Oh for five," said Spike. "What percentage is that?" Iggy thought. "I dunno. Let me think." He stroked his chin thoughtfully. "I still don't know, but it isn't good."

The bumbling brothers prove to be fairly effective sneaks, in spite of their plethora of personal defects. Mario and Luigi awake to find Daisy gone, and run off to find her. Luigi makes yet another instinctive judgment call, and Mario rebukes him, claiming that he’s been “listening to pipes all (his) life!”. This struck me as a stupid thing to say; I don’t think plumbers generally deal with large-scale fluid transportation systems – that seems like it would fall more into the domain of a civic engineer. But what the fuck do I know?

So they shuffle along into a narrow tunnel with a huge drop into a river. Mario shits his pants a little and tries to convince Luigi to turn back; the lure of fresh vagina is clearly too strong, however, and they press on until the ledge becomes too narrow. Suddenly, they hear Daisy’s voice. Then she pops out of the fucking wall in the worst CG sequence I’ve ever fucking seen.

"Looooweeeegeeeeaaah!" cried Daisy, as Mario prepared to anally penetrate his tender young apprentice.

She gets pulled back through, but not before her little boy-toy manages to grab her necklace. Luigi, impulsive shit that he is, kisses his brother’s head and jumps right in. Mario, naturally a little shaken by recent events, is a huge pussy and ends up tripping and falling in upside-down by accident. We’re treated to this hilariously bad yet awesome representation of inter-dimensional space.

This reminds me of the scene in Dune where Baron Harkonnen gets sucked out of the palace for no fucking reason.

This capture marks the end of part one, because going to another dimension is fucking suspenseful shit.

See you later, assholes.

A quick note: When I owned this movie, it was called Robo-Chick. Possibly with some variation in the spelling. I’m torn on which name is more stupidly appropriate, but throughout the film the titular protagonist is referred to as Robo-Chick, so… I don’t fucking know. This kind of stuff happened a lot back in the days of hastily assembled garbage cinema.

This film was released in 1989, apparently shot largely in Calgary and the surrounding area. That may have some bearing on just how horrible this movie is, but then again it was also the eighties. It’s like a parody of a really bad movie that takes itself just a little too seriously for comfort.

The basic premise is this:

A ‘good doctor’ creates a robotic woman to, rather ambiguously, ‘fight crime/evil’ or something along those lines. What this tells me, firstly, is that he really made her for sexual purposes; secondly, that whoever wrote this piece of shit either wanted you to think as much, or was mentally handicapped. I’m pretty much sold on the first theory, given that I used to beat off furiously to the introductory scene in which she’s being put through what looks like a shitty plastic replica of an MRI machine.

After an amazingly awkward sequence in which the jittery doctor brings the incredibly naive robo-bitch up to speed about her nature and alleged purpose, she suddenly discovers that she can ‘sense’ crime or some bullshit. The doctor reveals his car, appropriately named the ‘Crime Car’ or something fucking stupid like that. It’s a trashy ripoff of the Delorean from Back to the Future. It doesn’t travel through time, but it does have a cantankerous personality and some gadgets and crap that exist purely to allow for the use of pyrotechnics.

So they go for a spin and Doc sits in the car, presumably jacking it, while robo-cunt beats the shit out of some bikers who are robbing a diner. In the middle of the night. There are stiff, ‘robot-like’ arm motions and hilariously awful slapping sounds, lots of badly edited gunfire, and some flaming cars. I think, don’t quote me on the last one.

Doc seems to think the police should be alerted, and robot-mac-whoreface fails to respond for a moment while staring off into space. She then reveals that she has contacted the police with her robo-brain, an ability even the good doctor apparently was not aware of. Was he fucking drunk when he built her? Or maybe just masturbating furiously to unconsciousness over her unfinished torso, over and over again? Much like her built in cellular phone, it’s a mystery!

I do remember one other excellent detail from this part of the film: While robbing the diner, the bikers get into an altercation about their gang jackets. The guy in charge of placing the orders apparently screwed up, and Satan’s Minions became Satan’s Onions. I don’t think this event had any purpose except to make you think these guys were a bunch of bumbling retards. Predictably, it gets brought up by various characters as the bikers get entangled in the affairs of a drug cartel, which happens to be run by the central antagonist of the film.

Is this starting to sound like a lot of other bad movies you’ve seen or heard of? Yeah, I thought so.

The doctor takes his little whore back home. Later, she goes out to fight crime and shit by herself. At some point she ends up at the police station, where she gets hit on by a reporter with no personality. The only reason I even wrote this paragraph was to mention the reporter, because he’s a ‘major character’ in the film. Somehow.

After the diner fight, this movie is fucking grueling. Over the course of about an hour, the only notable events are some lame, pointless plot exposition and the following amazing scenes:

A corrupt investigator plays ‘find the penis’ in a hot tub full of exquisitely buxom women and has an awkward conversation with his speech-impeded boss, a high-ranking underling of the cartel boss gets into all kinds of shit with robo-gina and breaks the fourth wall to inform us that he ‘hates being thwarted’, robo-dumbshit learns about love from the oh-so-smooth reporter, and we find out that the good doctor has a rival. Who happens to be a dirty cripple. I seem to remember some mild implication that he was a Nazi, too, but that might just be my God-fearing, American-loving lack of good sense talking. He’s in league with the drug cartel, so he’s totally fucking evil anyway.

Oh, and he goes off on a soliloquy, laughs creepily and looks straight into the camera before getting into a fight with a robotic arm as it tries to hand him a glass of water. Around this time, we also discover that he has built an insidious device to destroy the crime-fighting creation of his nemesis: A massively overpowered… uh… electrical circuit. That’s it. He’s going to electrocute a robot to death with a patently excessive voltage. I don’t want to jump the gun, here, but I’m gonna suggest that he was probably going to use the remains as a fuck-doll. That’s what I would do, anyway.

Eventually there’s a warehouse scene where the biker dudes get their asses handed to them, and everyone in the film who even matters ends up at the evil doctor’s laboratory. In what I’m sure was a hilarious reversal of expected gender roles at the time, the reporter is held hostage and bitchy-the-robot-bitchface has to go save him. She falls into the scientist’s trap, gets electrocuted, and then I think she gets revived by the power of love or something stupid like that. Because she’s a fucking robot.

Then the cartel sends some attack helicopters and robo-slut explodes them out of the sky with her mind. I don’t fucking know. Cartel boss and his cronies go to jail and shout cliched insults, robo-chick and the reporter make out, and it’s over. Finally, gloriously, this massive polished turd is over.

It’s been years since I saw this film, and just thinking about it still makes me want to play Russian Roulette with all the chambers filled while spewing milk out of my nose. I’ll be at the bar if you need me, slumped in my own vomit.

For the sake of completeness, I will eventually try to add some screen captures and verify a couple points I’m unsure of.