And not in a good way.

This needlessly wealthy, washed up little princess decided to start doing drugs. Being a celebrity myself, I totally understand the impulse; however, she broke the cardinal rule of Celebrity Drug Doing:

Thou Shalt Not Be Photographed.

What the fuck? You put salvia on the front page of major news sites. Do you have any idea how long my associates and I have cowered under the looming thumb of the government, hoping they wouldn’t be given a perfect reason to take away yet another of our mind-altering friends?

Well you just gave it to them, you mindless bitch. I bet you don’t even care – you’re rich and pseudo-famous, you’ll be able to get the drugs you need anytime – but now a generation of idiot kids who thought Hannah Montana was cool are going to jump on the substance wagon, and that’s going to scare the living shit out of conservative Americans as Europe tsks and takes another sip of mushroom tea.

Cyrus has also committed the crime of making a legitimately intense drug seem uncool and lame; we’ve all seen videos of people giggling moronically, or running frantically out of the room, or failing to respond to any form of stimulus. The cognitive effects are quite varied and spectacular, but this new development ensures that Erowid will be rife with accounts of Mickey Mouse in the Amazon with the ghost of Walt Disney wearing a bundt as a tutu, dispensing such sage advice as: “Consume more for the Nazi party.”

Actually, I suppose Erowid will be safe; Disney fags think the internet is made up of conservative news, convenient shopping and children’s entertainment. Anyway.

Do you understand the concept of a controlled substance?

Do you know what a legislation is?

Well, we’re all about to become intimately familiar. Thanks a lot, Miley. Fuck you.

I propose a campaign against moronic celebrities and Jurassic-era government officials. If we all wanted to live in a manufactured paradise of socio-normative behaviour and meticulously regulated brain chemicals, don’t you think it would be a lot easier to squeeze our balls blue?

There’s a reason manipulating the masses is difficult, you fuckshits. You can say that I’m jumping the gun, that this could all blow over, but like any psychotic future military dictator, I’m going to label this one pre-emptive action.

I’ll get back to you on the details after a few bongloads.

"I shall bite off your head!"